"You have CRPS"

I thought I would go insane with the pain. Each time I went back to the surgeon at MGH though he said it was normal. A few months later he wasn't so sure. My doc back in NH was the one who diagnosed it and sent me to a pain clinic. My gremlin did not appear like other CRPS sufferers. I had the extreme sensitivity to touch, the crazy amount of crushing, burning, ice pick jabby pain but I had no skin/temp changes at first or anything to really suggest it wasn't a different peripheral neuropathy. The pain docs were further stymied when they tried a series of stellate ganglion blocks that *should* have helped but I only got temporary relief. It wasn't until about 6 months after my surgery that other changes started happening that led to the eventual words no one wants to hear. "You have CRPS". Before that moment those letters meant nothing to me. It was a boogeyman that physical therapists threatened you with to do your exercises. When I asked what that was the usual response was "you don't want it." Why would I look it up? I did my exercises, even after the last surgery I tried to desensitize the scar like I was taught but it was way too painful to touch. I went through a series of braces to wear and finally found one that although it hurt like hell to get on, once it was on things were okay. It was similar to the one I had in 2003-04 but a bit more high end. Wind couldn't get through it, and it stayed in one spot so it didn't rub. I modified it to be able to put it on like a vest and I added straps for stability. I was on a ton of meds, none of them working except to drive me insane. Nothing touched the pain. Zephyr's 6 year old birthday came and went. With a series of nerve blocks and PT after to work on the numbed arm I had some relief. By September I had another job working at a cat only vet clinic. I loved it. The people were great and I learned a lot. The pain was manageable with narcotics but since I had been on them so long I was able to get some pain relief and still be able to function with taking them. I was still in PT. I had a "numbing cream" to put on the area around the sensitivity with the hope it would trickle into the sensitive area. It worked okay. I started riding again. Got a few lessons, got to know my horse a little more. Our bond strengthened as I worked on the ground and in the saddle with him. Rex came to visit a few times. Things started getting more serious with us. I figured if the guy is willing to fly up to freezing cold NH when he is used to Florida and hotter climates he is worth a second look-see. We enjoyed each other's company so much but it was still a long distance thing. Still is actually..

I started helping out with the farm's Therapeutic Riding Program and came to the realization that there are MUCH worse off people than me out there. I constantly researched ways to either get rid of or at least suppress my little gremlin. Because he was little at this point. My PT referred me to a physiatrist clinic in addition to the one I was still going to. They helped even more with trigger point injections. I was eventually referred to a different PT; one that specialized in CRPS. At that point I was getting ticked off with being moved around to so many different places but I am glad I got treatment there. I still call her sometimes with questions. Time went on and I got "used to" my little gremlin. I tried to keep him a Gizmo and not let him turn into a Spike but sometimes it happened anyway. I used my basic training trick of locking pain away all the time. I refused to let CRPS rule my life. I was told repeatedly "use it or lose it". Its a lot easier to say those words if you've never experienced that kind of pain before. People told me to sell Zephyr. It wasn't fair to him that I could ride sporadically and there were days I was in too much pain to go see him. Right across the street but he might as well have been on the moon those days. I couldn't sell him. I kept telling myself things will get better. They have to. That brace was my lifesaver. My shoulder didn't hurt as much in it. By 2007 I was riding regularly and I was gearing up for the 2007 show season with Z. He had a passion for barrel racing and gymkhana games. He learned a lot of balance technique and lead changes going around barrels and weaving poles. He did not like the English pleasure shows as much. Neither did I. I had to dress up for those. And that was painful.